using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
