he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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