Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My pussy is not your playground.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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