the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
