I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
