Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
