I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
