Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
