Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
