She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
