Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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