We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
