3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize