Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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