dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
