pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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