The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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