yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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