I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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