can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize