it hurts more in the daytime
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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