OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
