I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
