help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
should my penis look like a turkey
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
