I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
