Where is the hickey?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
