my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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