I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
