Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you traded sex for a burrito?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
