i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
