You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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