I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
