My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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