someone get that fucking seahorse.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
