If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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