maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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