ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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