I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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