Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
