And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He shit in the fireplace
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
