apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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