I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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