Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hippo gnu deer
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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