Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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