Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
