I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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