either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
