I will die if light touches me.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
