I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize