girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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