just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
