we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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