turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
