I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
this boner is exhausting
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
