I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
