Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
