Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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