This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
